edwards Kity
by Spoiled Rotten Princess Kitty
Summary: So im the new girl in forks. every1 luves me because im so pretty and theirs this really hot guy and my friends say that his name is edward but he doesnt even look at me. what do i do? i really luv edward but he wont even lok at me!


Okay, guys. Like, my name is Katherine Lynn Morrisson and I totally live in Phoenix, Arizona. You know, Arizona? It's totally that state right above Mexico, between California and New Mexico (Because Mexico was just to old for us, right?) and below Utah! So, yeah. I live in Arizona, and it's all hot and stuff, totally. The thermometer just broke and my mom is swimming in a pool filled with our sweat.

But, Phoenix is totally not cool. There are lots of these people who are like... people? But they're totally not people, you know what I'm saying? So, anyway, I told my mom, Irene (I'm totally cool, aren't I, because I refer to my mother by her first name!) that I wanted to go and live with my father, Karl, in Forks, Washington, the tiniest little pimple on the map of the US (that's United States, for those of you who didn't know!)

"Why, Kitty! WHY?" Irene screamed, throwing a vase to the floor as tears and snot ran freely down her face. Kitty is my nick-name... I hate to be called Katherine, and I especially hate to be called Katherine Lynn!

"BECAUSE I CAN HEAR YOU AND PHIL HAVING SEX!" I screamed in return, smashing a plate to the ground. Since everyone knows that a plate has much less mass than a vase, I broke another plate, too, so that Irene and I would be on even ground.

"IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT I HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP?" Irene screamed at me, crying harder as she threw a glass mixing bowl at the wall. "IF THAT KARL HADN'T COME ALONG AND KNOCKED ME UP WHEN I WAS TWELVE, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE! YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME, KITTY!" And then Irene sat on the floor in the kitchen, among all of the broken pottery and glass, and she cried for five and a half hours. While she was crying, I went upstairs and packed everything that I owned up and then I called Phil up and asked him to take me to the airport. Since Irene has the mental compatibility of a three-year-old, we had to take her with us. We finally strapped her into her car seat and then we drove to Sky Harbor.

Sky Harbor is really annoying because they've been under construction for 25 years, and they're planing on being under construction for another fifty-three years. Even though I've taken many trips to Sky Harbor to eat airport food, I've never seen anyone actually doing work in the coned-off areas, so I think that the people who own the airport just like to make travelers annoyed by forcing us into one lane, and then onto unpaved road where a monkey driving a tractor likes to take shots at us with a bee-bee gun.

So, anyway, we got into the parking lot, where Phil had to pay some monkey to watch his car, and we went inside.

"Irene, I have to go on the plane now." I told her. She was clinging to me and getting snot all over my super-hip American Eagle lace blouse that was see-through, and getting even more see-through with Irene's snot all over it.

"NO!" Irene wailed. "I WON'T LET YOU GO!"

"Ma'am, you can't go past here without a plane ticket." A TSA woman said to Irene.

"THEN YOU MUST GIVE ME A TICKET!" Irene exclaimed, jumping on the TSA woman. While the TSA people wrestled Irene into a room off to the side, I slipped through security and found the terminal where I'd be leaving from.

The rest is super boring... I had peanuts and water on the plane and I read my most favorites book in the world, Wuthering Heights. It's awesome, even though I'm not quite sure what it's about. (I can't read, duh! Reading is for nerds!)

So, anyway, the plane landed in Washington (State, not the capitol of America, duh!) and Karl was waiting for me at the airport with a sign, except that the sign read "Barney the Dinosaur". I knew that he was waiting for me, though, because there was a picture of me, except that I looked an awful like Angelina Jolie, but, since I hadn't looked in a mirror since I was in Arizona, I couldn't remember if I looked like Angelina Jolie or not.

"Katrina!" Karl exclaimed, hugging me.

"It's totally Kitty, Karl!" I said, hugging him back.

"Look, Kelsey, I bought you a present!" He said, giving me a gift bag. "I know how disappointed that you were when you didn't get it for Christmas!" I opened it; it was a onesie with a llama on the front.

"Er... thanks, Karl!" I tried to pretend like I liked it because I couldn't go back to Irene until she had forgotten about me. "You do know that I'm practically 16 years, 5 months, 4 days, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 15... 16... 17..."

"Of course I remembered, Kathy! That's why I also bought you a car!"

"Oh, daddy! You're the best! I can't wait to see it!"

"Great! It's at home; I hope that you like it!" The drive back to Karl's house was really award since I, being a teenager, have nothing to say to my estranged father and he, being so old (seriously, he's like... 30!) has nothing in common with me! (Seriously! He doesn't even know who super heart-throb Justin Beiber is! GASP!)

When we got to Karl's house, there was this disgusting heap of rust sitting outside of his house.

"Here's the keys to your car, Kayla!" Karl exclaimed, handing me a key.

"Where is it, daddy?" I asked, looking around for a Bugatti Veyron or a Lamborghini Reventon.

"Why, it's right here, Kimberly!" Karl exclaimed, making a wide, sweeping gesture towards the disgusting heap of rust. As I looked closer, I realized that it wasn't just a heap, but it had the general shape of most cars, as well as four very flat tires that were more grey than black. "Go on! Don't you want to go take it for a spin?" I pulled on what I was sure used to be the handle and the door came off in my hands. "Oh, well, that's alright. I'll just get some duck tape and it'll be as good a new, right, Kylie? Anyway, I want to show you your room!" He lead me into the house and upstairs, where he opened a room and there was nothing in there but a cot. And there wasn't even any pillows or blankets on it.

"I hope you enjoy it, Kai! Let me know if you need anything... I'll be downstairs, microwaving our dinner! I hope you like KidCuisine, because I bought a years supply of it!"

"Er, yeah. Thanks, Karl." Karl skipped downstairs, humming some song about llamas under his breath and I dragged my things into the room. "It just needs some... posters on the wall!" I unzipped one suitcase, the one that I had stuffed fifty-million posters into. An hour later, I sat back and smiled at the smiling faces of Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, and more, smiled back at me.

Anyway, the stuff that happened after that is boring, so I'm just going to skip to the next morning. I got up and I straightened my light brown hair, I put contacts in so that everyone could see my crayon blue eyes, and then I put on an ounce of silver eye-shadow because I'm told that this is very in. I smeared red lipstick all over my lips and then I put on a navy blue tank top, kinda torn-up mini skirt, and then I put on a pair of dark brown Uggs, because hello! This is Washington! Everyone wears Uggs in Washington! Duh!

Karl was still sleeping, so I replaced the key to my car with his and I took his car to the local high school. I didn't know where it was, so I drove around the block for an hour before I realized that it was right next door to Karl's house. (Did I mention that it's a really little town?)

So, anyway, I parked and I went into this, like, English class and I was all like, "Hi! I'm Kitty!" And the teacher was all like "Who are you? Get the heck out of my class room, you hooker!" And I was all like "But, I'm, like, 16 years old! You can't kick me out! It's in my DNA to sit in a class that I'll think is completely pointless until I have to write up a million-word report for a job that I hate and I'll wish that I hadn't whined about this class!" And the teacher was all like "That's it! I'm calling security!"

After an hour of sitting in the office, I had the papers to prove that it was in my DNA to sit in a class that I'll think is completely pointless until I have to write up a million-word report for a job that I hate and I'll wish that I hadn't whined about but actually payed attention to. It serves that teacher right, for totally thinking that I'm a hooker!

So, anyway, it was lunch time, so I pranced to the lunch hall where everyone was all like "Hey, new girl! Sit with me!" So I sat down with some people and they were all like "OMG! There's the Cullen family!" And I was all like "Who are you talking about? Did you forget that I'm the new girl?" and some guy said "Hey, new girl! Suck my dick!" But I didn't know what that meant, so I just looked around the cafeteria and I saw five very beautiful people.

"OMG! Who are they?" I exclaimed, grabbing the throat of the girl sitting next to me and squeezing hard in excitement.

"Those are the Cullens, duh!" Someone told me.

"You have to tell me which one is which and everything that you know about them!" I exclaimed. The girl fell to the ground, gasping for breath, but I ignored her, because, who really cares about people when you see five really hot people? I'm straight, but even the two girls were really hot!

"OMG! That's like Emmett, and his girlfriend, Rosalie. And then that's Alice and her boyfriend, Jasper."

"And who's that last one?"

"That's Edward."

"And they're all... siblings?"

"Eww! This isn't Kentucky!" (I apologize if what this random girl said offends people from Kentucky... I'm not implying that you sleep with your brother because your father told you to because he accidentally knocked up his sister, which resulted in both of you!) "No. They're all adopted by Carlisle and Esme Cullen. Carlisle is a doctor!"

"OMG! That's so... not interesting." I said. Edward looked over to me suddenly and he made a funny gesture.

"OMG! I think that Edward wants you to go over there!"

"OMG! You think so?" I asked, running over there. "Hi."

"Er... Hi." Edward said.

"God bless you!" Alice exclaimed with a cheerful look on her face, then offered Edward a tissue. Edward sneezed, and then took the offered tissue.

"Like, wow! How did you know that he was going to sneeze?" I exclaimed, a huge smile on my face.

"Because." Alice said. "Now, we have to leave for no reason, leaving you and this monster... er... man... alone!" She said this all with the same cheerful look on her face. Without warning, the four of them stood and floated from the cafeteria.

"That's odd."

"No, my name is Ed, not odd." Edward said. "Well, actually, I'll kill you if you call me Ed, so, please, my lady, call me Eward."

"Okay." I giggled for five minutes. "Edward." I sat down at the table and I started to eat the lunches that the other Cullen's had left thoughtlessly behind.

"So." Munch. "I'm." Chew-chew. "Kitty." Swallow.

"It's already been foretold by Alice that we'll marry by the end of the story."

"Sweet. Lets make out." I moved forward, ready to kiss him.

"No." He said. "Do not move. Lets just sit and stare into each others eyes!"

"Well, that seems like such an odd thing to do, but, even though I haven't even known you for five minutes, I already love you and I'll trust you, even if you turn out to be a cannibal and want to eat me!" Edward laughed nervously but he looked into my eyes and I looked into his. He didn't seem to blink much, so I tried not to blink, either, but my eyes watered and I kept blinking.

After three hours of staring into each others eyes, Edward finally said "Lets go take a long walk into the middle of the carnivorous-beast infested forest, where I may or may not mortally injure you and leave you for dead!"

"Okay!" I replied cheerfully and I happily followed Edward into the forest behind the school where we walked for four hours until it was really dark.

"You must tell me what I am."

"Since you haven't yet asked to see my boobs in the seven hours that we've known each other, I'm starting to think that you're gay!" I informed him.

"What? No! I just don't want to hurt you, Kitty."

"Well, you won't." I reassured him. "I'm not a China doll... I'm not going to break if you have sex with me!" The next thing I knew, Edward had me pinned to a tree with his hand around my throat.

"Now! Tell me!"

"You're..."

"Yes...! Say it, Kitty!"

"You... You're... really strong!"

"No, Kitty! I'm a vampire, and that's why we can't be together!"

"But, Edward! I love you!"

"It's for the best, Kitty! Goodbye! I'm going to California to find a real woman!"

"NOOOOOOOO! Edward, don't leave me!" I screamed, tears and snot running freely down my face. But, since we were in the middle of the forest and there weren't any dishes to break, I fell onto the ground, sobbing. Edward left.

January.

February.

March.

April.

May.

June.

July.

August.

September.

October.

November.

December.

"Very good, Kitty! You know all of the months of the year! You get a gold star!" A random guy in a wheelchair told me.

"Who are you?" I sniffled, sitting up and running my nose up and down the guy's sleeve.

"I'm Billy, Karl's friend. And this is my hot, heterosexual son who wants to bone you!"

"Sup. I'm Jacob." Billy's son said, pulling off his shirt to show his hot abs.

"OMG! You're so hot and I totally want to make out with you!" I exclaimed. Jacob grinned at me and ran towards me, but I smacked him, breaking my hand against his marble-like jaw in the process. "BUT! I don't want this to be a rebound relationship! I just broke up with the only man outside of my family who's ever spoken more than two sentences to me! It's true love, and I know that he'll be back for me some day!"

"I totally respect that, but, some day, you'll come crawling back to me! Mark my words, Kitty-kat, you will be!" Jacob exclaimed just as Alice came running up to us.

"OMG! Kitty! I'm glad that I found you! I had a vision that you were trampled to death by the gay wheelchair parade and I told Edward and now he thinks that you're dead, so he's going to go kill himself! In Italy!"

"OMG! We have to go to Italy and stop him!"

"I know! Edward is the only guy who refused to sleep with me, and I must sleep with him before he's really dead! ...Although, I've never done it with a corpse before..."

"Come on, Alice!" I screamed, grabbing her wrist and we ran to the airport, where we bought tickets on the next flight to Italy and while we were flying to Italy, I said "Why is Edward going to kill himself in Italy?"

"Because that's where the Vulture-ouri live, duh!"

"The Vulture-ouri?"

"Yeah. They're like, only the most oldest, hideous vampires in the entire world and they're so ugly, that they can't go outside without people laughing and pointing at them, and that makes them angry, so they don't want any other vampire to go outside, either!"

"But, what does this have to do with my beloved Edward?"

"Because when the Vulture-ouri see Edward, a vampire, walking around amongst the tourists, they'll kill him because he's so pretty!"

"Oh no! How can anyone think about killing someone so pretty?" I exclaimed.

"I know, right? So, we have to save him!"

We landed in Italy and Alice rented a car, except that this is Italy and I'm a racist bitch (even though I may or may not be Italian), so instead of a car, she rented a vespa. We drove as fast as we could to the town that that Vulture-ouri lived in, but, since I'm a racist bitch and we were on a vespa, we were only doing 15 miles per hour.

We got to the town, where there were a bunch of wierdos in hot-pink capes.

"OMG! It's twilight!" Someone screamed. I saw Edward standing in the shadows of a building, just about to walk out.

"OMG! Tonight's the night of the new moon!" Someone else screamed as I ran through the crowd, trying to get to Edward.

"OMG! It's an eclipse!" Someone else screamed as I ran into Edward, knocking him to the ground.

"Kelly?" Edward asked, looking up at me, confused.

"NO! It's Kitty!"

"Oh. Of course. How silly of me to have forgotten someone that I knew for only seven and a half hours."

"Oh, Edward! I love you!"

"I love you, too, Kitty! Lets get married where I will sex you so hard, you black out!"

"That sounds great! I want to have your mutant vampire baby who will totally kill me!" I exclaimed, kissing Edward on the lips.

Five days later, I put on my million dollar wedding dress that was a present from Alice and I walked down the isle to meet Edward.

"I now pronounce you vampire and human idiot! You may now drain your bride!" The priest exclaimed and all of my family was all like "Huh?" Because that was all that he said.

"No! You have to marry my daughter properly!" Irene screamed, and I knew that Phil was holding her down and that was the only reason why the Cullen's dishes weren't already in pieces on the floor.

"No! I don't care! Lets just skip to the honeymoon, because weddings are boring!" I exclaimed, and the next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor, amongst broken pieces of wood and glass. "Where am I?" I asked, getting to my feet. I was wearing a night gown, because I'm a proper woman, even though I'm married now.

"This is the island that Carlisle gave to Esme when they got married." Edward said, coming into the room.

"What happened here?"

"We had sex. Don't you remember?"

"No. I don't remember anything except the wedding. Now, go make me eggs, because this is a poorly concealed bit of foreshadowing to what will happen next!"

So, for the next week, I would wake up in some random location, surrounded by broken pieces of wall, wood and glass, and demand that Edward make me eggs. Finally, seven days after we'd been married, I realized that my period was late. I pulled my fifteenth night gown up and looked at my stomach- yep. I was totally more pregnant than I should have been (which is a miracle, considering that 1) Edward shouldn't have been able to get it up in the first place, 2) Edward was over 100 years old; his swimmers should have died a long time ago and 3) I had been a technical virgin until seven days ago).

So, Edward and I rushed back to Washington where I was laid up for a week, getting more and more pregnant until Carlisle said that if we didn't do a c-section, then the baby would literally explode out of me. And, since he's a doctor, I trusted him and just as he was about to cut me open, there was this loud ripping sound and the baby's head peeked out from my uterus; it had chewed it's way through in it's desire to be born.

"Oh no! She's lost too much blood! We're going to have to turn her into a vampire!" Carlisle said.

"I won't do it!" Edward screamed like a little girl. "I won't subject Kitty to living like a demon for the rest of her life!"

"But, Edward! I've seen our futures and she'll be turned into a vampire so that you can raise your little girl!"

"Okay. What will we name her?"

"... OHHHHH!" Alice clutched her head. "I'm getting a vision! You'll name her... ALICE!" We all looked at her like she was stupid or something.

"Hello! I'm dying here!"

"Oh, right. Sorry, babes." Edward said and POOF! I was a vampire! Everything was much better now that I had VAMPIRE VISION®! The reds were more redder, the oranges were more orange, the yellows were more yellower, the greens were more green, the blues were more blue, the purples were more purple and there was this random extra color and it was so beautiful that I had to sit on the ground and cry, that's how beautiful that it was.

"Here's your baby!" Rosalie exclaimed, holding up a six-month-old baby.

"That's not my baby!" I cried, afraid of what the cruel bitch had done with my baby.

"Yes, it is!" Everyone screamed at me.

"She's totally a vampire baby; they grow faster than normal babies!"

"OMG! Who's that hot chick?" Jacob said, and I slapped him, and it didn't even break my hand now, because I was a vampire and that meant that I had VAMPIRE STRENGTH®!

"You will not have sex with my new-born baby!" I screamed at him.

"Hey, it's okay, Mom. I'm like, totally almost an adult now!" My baby said, still being cradled in Rosalie's arms, even though she now looked like a three-year-old.

"We still have to name her." Edward reminded me.

"Oh, that's right. I know! I'll name her something completely stupid to make sure that she is the butt of jokes for the rest of her unnaturally long life! I'll name her... Editty! Get it? It's a combo of Edward and Kitty! Editty!"

"You suck, mom. My name is Princess Beyonce

"Whoo-hoo!" Jacob yelled as he ran out with Editty.

"I'm hungry!" I complained. "Lets go kill Bambi's mother!"


End file.
